Woo Hoo!
It's been a while but I won the caption contest over at Wizbang! this week.
Yay me!

Joe Sherlock Saves Us $1.6 Billion
That's with a "b." I'm going to vote for Joe as Secretary of Energy. If I could. He's got more energy than I do and that's not even before the savings of the billions. In his own words:

A Government Accountability Office report released last week shows that the Department of Energy has spent more than $1.9 billion in stimulus funds to create 10,018 jobs through May, an average of $194,213 spent per full-time job created.
...
I believe I can create 10,018 jobs for $26,000 each ... or a total $260,468,000. Even if I need an extra 25% to administer the program, I'll still save taxpayers over $1.57 billion dollars.

Joe the Saver. Makes Joe the Plumber look like a piker.

I Make So Many Spelling Mistakes
I think I have typo blood.

This Joke Kills Me
It was funny enough to begin with and when you add monkeys.... Well, any joke is funnier when monkeys tell it.


Also a comment queue full of jokes and thoughts on joke-telling at neo-neocon.

Valentine's Day Dialogue
"Did you just say you had a 'way with women?'"
"No, I said I had 'away with women.' I get near. They go away."

My Laugh Of The Day
Don Surber warning us of a new STD. Now that's funny, no matter where you're from.

That Mitchell & Webb Look
Great Brit comedy with one errant naughty word toward the end. Too funny not to post. "At least pigs are for sausages." Hat tip to Coyote Blog.

Steven Wright On The Craig Ferguson Show
"I've been having premonitions of flashbacks."

Ripped From The Pages Of Scientific American
"Stem Cells from Fat Used to Grow Teen's Missing Facial Bones."
Oh. My. God. I am a precious natural resource!
I can provide a nation's worth of the raw material for stem cell production.

A Measure Of Our Friendship
Sort of a parenthetical note to a phone conversation between the Enigmatic Misanthrope and me tonight: Our call dissolved into laughter after I repeatedly stopped him from speaking by shouting louder and louder into the receiver, "Shut up bitch!"

Ya kinda had to be there but believe me, it was plenty funny.

Oh Noes!
I missed the recall. I wonder if it applies to Pugs of War?

Wherein I Go All Upscale Clever
I've been having an ongoing e-mail conversation with a couple of erudite, opera-loving friends and I find myself amused enough at my own wit (or something that rhymes) that I have to share a couple.
First, one friend questioned the use of elephants in "Aida" with the idea that they wouldn't be delivered but walked into the Met. This led me to suggest that another opera that used elephants would be "The Babar of Seville."
And, with all the coruscating word play that we exchanged, I suggested that we should have a column in "Opera News." And I suggested a couple of reviews therefor such as: "This column is like the world's greatest basso profundo - a new low in opera" (which I ascribed to the "NY Review of Snark").

Please forgive my hubris but I think both are pretty damn funny even if I did think of them myself.

Three Words:
Shark Attack Cupcakes.
(Followed by four more: I 'ess' you not.)

A Little Mashup Fun
Jandrew Edits is a page of brief and very funny mashups of Star Trek: The Next Generation clips. I'll find one featuring the dashing and cue-ball'd Patrick Stewart for our blog friend Gradual Dazzle. It made me laugh. One minute and five seconds of Picardy goodness.

The Stupid Joke Of The Day
Diet-aiding drugs are girth control pills.

UPDATE: Here's one I hadn't heard before...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Just A Joke Before Reviewing
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

UPDATE:Another one is a similarly jocular vein.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request dear." he said.
"Of course, John." his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob." she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

The Fellowship of the Ring..

One of EM's favorite deleted scenes

An Addition To My Scots Joke Collection
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy replies, "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Why I Read Achewwod
Chris Onstad's use of language: "There are some things a man doesn't talk about, particularly when a lady wisdom-rocks his bonch so hard that he forgets who's on the penny."