The Whole Polymath Thing
I know everything there is to know about one-eyed organisms. I am an encyclopsedia.

Heh!
I made the Monday pun over at the Grouchy Old Cripple's place.
I pun. It's what I do.

Sectual Deviates
Snake handlers: A cult of poisonality.

More On The Driving Thing
I mentioned below that I dealt with deer and an opossum on my night drive from Sharpsburg. What I neglected to mention was the insectoid life (and death) on the road. As I was dashing downhill on Route 67 toward the Potomac River crossing near Harper's Ferry, some kind of megabug exploded in a rather revolting mass of goo on my windshield. I don't know what kind of bug it was but it seemed like a ham grenade. No, at a hand grenade, a grenade made of ham - blooshrt! Srsly, Columbian cartels could use whatever type of bug that was for drug mules. Except for the number they would lose to random drive bys. I'd kind of like to know what it was, but then again, I'm kinda glad I don't.
Which reminds me - what do you call the jellied liquid that Spam is packed in? Spamniotic fluid.

Wherein I Go All Upscale Clever
I've been having an ongoing e-mail conversation with a couple of erudite, opera-loving friends and I find myself amused enough at my own wit (or something that rhymes) that I have to share a couple.
First, one friend questioned the use of elephants in "Aida" with the idea that they wouldn't be delivered but walked into the Met. This led me to suggest that another opera that used elephants would be "The Babar of Seville."
And, with all the coruscating word play that we exchanged, I suggested that we should have a column in "Opera News." And I suggested a couple of reviews therefor such as: "This column is like the world's greatest basso profundo - a new low in opera" (which I ascribed to the "NY Review of Snark").

Please forgive my hubris but I think both are pretty damn funny even if I did think of them myself.

Today's Groaner
If you are faced with a situation where you have too many possibilities and you intentionally limit your options, are you biting off more than you can choose?

Computer Violence And Nursery Rhymes
I am about to assay the task of reformatting a hard drive and installing XP Home on a Dell computer. Such aggressive action as I have never undertaken on a friend's PC. So, as I jump blind and heedless into the task, I start sotto voce to myself: "The firmware in the Dell/ The firmware in the Dell/ Hi ho the derry oh/ The firmware in the Dell."

When I then realize what I'm softly singing, my gorge rises at it.

I Have Nightmares
I have this recurring nightmare where I'm trapped in a sausage skin. Of course that's the wurst case scenario.

If
If the Democrats reach back to push Al Gore into the mix as their candidate, won't that put the party in a pre-Kerry-ous position?

The Lowest Form Of Humor
A high-rise condo was recently built in Miami Beach. The real estate agents decided it would be a good strategy to cater for a Jewish clientele. Which turned out to be a good business decision and soon the entire building was leased and sold to elderly Jewish retirees who, not surprisingly, spent a majority of their time complaining about the world and, well, everything.
Needless to say, the place became known as the Oy!-full Tower. (highlight "missing" text to read it)

Worst. Star Trek. Pun. Evar.
Uniforms Officer: Captain, this serger is broken but I think I can fix it.
Picard: Make it sew.

One Make That Two Random Thoughts Captured
I was thinking about the allegations that famous baseball players had performance-enhancing drugs injected into their gluteal muscles. Wouldn't that make what was injected asteroids?
UPDATE: Wouldn't breast reduction surgery be an ex-pec-tation?

I Only Realized This Today
David Petraeus is the U.S. surgin' general.

Germs
Much in the news today is the grand fellow who, afflicted with TB, decided it would be a good idea to take international plane flights.
I hope no one else comes down with the consumption. And I don't think anyone will because I'm a staphylococcied optimist.

How Could I Resist?
I enjoy watching "How It's Made" on the Science Channel. The other day, while Lycurgus was en visitant we watched am episode about hydroponic lettuce. This particular lettuce was grown on spongy mats floating in the nutrient liquid. To get the seeds located properly, a vacuum is run under a sheet with small, evenly-spaced dimpled perforations. The seeds are pulled individually into the dimples whence they're placed into the mats.
Acting in perfect accord with my utter inability to not make a pun, I said, "In high school, that machine was voted 'Most Likely to Suck Seed.'"
It is a tribute to Lycurgus that he did not hit me. But really, how often do you get a chance like that?

Entertainment
This weekend I rented a movie that was so bad.
How bad was it?
It was so bad that it could only be displayed in litterbox format.

Banning Trans Fats
Now that the solons of New York City have seen fit to ban trans fats, can Gothamites apply for Congealed Carry Permits?