Thursday, April 22, 2004

In the great tradition of "WWJD?" (What Would Jesus Do? - does anyone not know that?) and "WWJJJWD?" (What Would Jimmy JJ Walker Do?), I offer the following:

WWSRD? - What Would Speed Racer Do?

We all know Speed Racer. Crypto-Japanese, proto-anime driver of the amazing Mach 5, a car that raced competitively despite having the world's most amazing arsenal of offensive weapons hidden within. Check out a real live version here. Some people really do have too much time on their hands. In a similar vein, someone recreated the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby-Doo series. I wonder if that's still on the web ...yep.

That being as it may, I recall Speed and his crew were constantly (well, maybe just 52 times) going to troubled places where, for some reason, major races were always being held. I guess it's kind of like going to Las Vegas (I watch "CSI" - people die in Las Vegas in really unusual ways all the time!) or having Jessica Fletcher come for a visit ("Murder, She Wrote" - you'd think that after seeing people die every time she was around that her friends would stop taking her calls). Whether it's a personal problem, oh, let's say a kidnapping, or a major corporation doing something eeeevil, or just plain eeevil foreign governments, Speed Racer could be counted on to not only solve the problem but finish in the money in the race! Now that's a MAN baybee!

So, going back in time, let's see, set the flux capacitor to 1991 and location to Iraq. 88 mph and there we are. Now that we are at the site of so much of the late unpleasantness in the Middle East, we need to ask, "WWSRD?" And I think the answer is simple. He would get all the other racers together (maybe not Racer X, being so mysterious and all) and set up a race in Baghdad. Then, during all the action and excitement of the race, Speed Racer would release the mechanical birds or crash into the weapons of mass destruction dump (while the Mach 5 seals itself up just in time of course) and wipe out Saddam, Uday, Qsay and all the cartoon villains who would later end up on playing cards.
Then, having eliminated the old regime, Speed would win the race and all the joyous Iraqis would make him the ruler of Iraq by proclamation. That's what Speed Racer would do.

Besides, he'd then have a lifetime supply of gasoline for the "powerful Mach 5." My hero!

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