If I ever commit suicide...
No, I'm not contemplating anything even remotely like it. But if I were, I'd like to leave a suicide note that was actually irrelevant to my death but stirred up the honey wagon anyway.
Something like: "I find I can no longer live in a world where Vin Diesel is a major star. Jesus! Take me now!"

Please feel free to comment with your suggestions of trouble-making suicide notes.