Many will recall my confessional postings in last year when I revealed the extent to which I had either been laid low or laid myself low. I find, now, that honesty compels posting of more of the interior life albeit a sunnier climate in this dwindling winter.
I am a hypnopompic pray-er. I awake to the consciousness of what I am asking in prayer without having consciously formed the prayer. (I do not "pray" in my waking state. I will talk to God - my conception of Him - but it is not "praying" as such is usually conceived.) In the last several days, I have sought that a process ongoing in my life conclude positively as it faced several snags, hold-ups and speed bumps. I believe I can honestly say that my prayers have been answered. Every time it looked as though the edifice being constructed was about to come crashing down, it didn't. And now we seem to be entering the end game wherein I have some desk work to do but otherwise, done deal.
So as I came to consciousness this morning (after a night wherein I could not find slumber for reasons physical and psychological), I found myself again seeking from God in my way. But I was not asking for the world to treat me well as I seem to have been doing lately. I was asking that my heart be changed.
I asked for humility. I am not a prideful man but I lack the quietude of soul that humility, a truly humble spirit, gives. I asked that I be given, undeserving, the gift of humility in a world to which I am too much attached. I don't expect any Damascus Road experience to sweep over me and calm my restlessness. I ask that I be able to live within myself, without anger at slights and provocations. That I can be, without conscious effort, an oasis for my fellow travelers in this desert world. I won't know if I have been vouchsafed this because it should be transparent to me. So I will continue to talk with God in my daily life to keep humility in my own mind.
Even more than a spirit humble in daily life, however, is the title of this post. I woke this morning seeking gratitude. Not from others but for myself. I am deeply grateful for what I have in this desert world yet I do not carry that gratitude in my spirit. I acknowledge it in a conscious fashion if I called to do so but it does not flow from me like the wellspring I wish it to be. And what I most want is that I can live in the awareness of my gratitude to God for those answered prayers, for that spark that is my life struck off the flint of the eternal.
I say, "Lord, I would be humble, I would be grateful. I will try to quiet myself to allow the blessings I have undeservedly received to fill my life." For all that I do myself, I then ask that these blessings of spirit inform my every day.
I am not hugely inclined to such self revelation here on PoW, but part of what I am coming to feel about what I have asked for, requires that I be open about it. I appreciate you, reader, coming here. I wish no less blessing on you than I wish on myself. I'd like to be a part of the good of your life even if just a small smile on some snarky blog post. There is but one thing left to say in this post though: God bless you.