"Hi, Enigmatic Misanthrope Here”.
Just when you thought everything that could be invented, has been, we can still surprise you! Here’s an ass paper that would make Madame Curie’s “onion ring” burn.

“That’s the Power of 9-ply Glow in the Dark Toilet Roll!”

That’s right folks, 9-ply!!

Imagine never having a messy breakthrough in the dark ever again!

Now you’ll always be able to find the toilet paper, even in the dark, with this new Glow in the Dark Toilet Paper! Perfect for power cuts, this groovy glowing stool scraper means that if you don’t want to wake anyone up in your household by turning on the light, it’ll cast its green glow over your bathroom, so you can find your way around.

"Order right now and we'll double the value and include a free case of cute SpongeBob SquarePants colostomy bags"; "Here's how to order" ...

**EM Note**
Luminescence is accomplished with radium-infused cotton fibers. 12 micrograms radium per 9 ply sheet. Results of long term use may include: Hypertrophic-megacolon prolapse, Godzilla-hemorrhoiditis, Yam bag rot, asshole fallout-itis, blindness, coma and death.