(January 10, 2004) The agony of homeless survivors of the December tsunami today was made worse as the toll of human suffering compounded in the aftermath of the great human tragedy of the breakup of the marriage of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. "My home is washed away in a great brown wall of water and now this!" howled Mai Akeenbac of Banda, Aceh. "How can I go on in a world where Brad and Jennifer are no longer together!" he sobbed while wiping away tears with a scrap of cloth that had once been his shirt.
"I was hurt when J Lo and Affleck broke up," agreed U.N. Deepee, a tsunami victim in Sri Lanka, "but this is intolerable. I long for the release of my soul into paradise if this horrible news is indeed true." Supplies of fresh water were left abandoned as ragged crowds clustered around any available radio or television that could pick up broadcasts of "Entertainment Tonight" or "Access Hollywood." Blackhawk helicopters flying relief supplies from the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln were recalled to have thousands of pounds of food packages pulled off to make room for copies of "People" and "Us" magazines.
Grief counselors are being airlifted from Southern California in what the Bush Administration is calling "Operation Out of the Pitts." Continuing inclement weather in California, however, has delayed the relief efforts as scores of the commando grief counselors were unwilling to leave their homes as long as it was, in the words of one, "Ucky outside."